Not Quite Straight

As a single guy without a very busy schedule, I have time to "research" physical attractiveness. Yes, that's a euphemism, and it means pretty much what you think it means. There is a more or less endless supply of such research material available on the internet. So much so, in fact, that people can be forgiven for assuming that's what it was invented for.

There's nearly an endless variety of it as well. No matter what you're into, I'm sure you can find something to suit your taste. But I don't want to go there right now. I want to talk about women. There are an infinite variety of women of all shapes and sizes. There are big ones, small ones, tall ones, short ones, well-endowed ones, hairy ones, shaved ones, pierced ones, tattooed ones... and some that don't fit into a binary gender definition.

It may or may not surprise you to learn that I find some of that last kind attractive. And not just in the "oh, she's kind of pretty" way, either. I'm talking about the "I want to have adult naked fun with her" kind of attractive capable of producing a physical reaction. It surprised me when I first discovered this, as I'd always self-identified as a straight man.

I'd always thought my options were straight, bi, and gay, and not being attracted to men eliminated two of the three. It turns out there were options I hadn't even known existed. I think that what we're attracted to, gender-wise, is not an either-or kind of thing. Rather than a single value, it's a series of discrete, continuous blocks on a scale, from masculine on one end to feminine on the other. I've become convinced that gender itself actually falls on the same scale.

At first, I think I was just fascinated at my discovery. I had always been naive enough to think that a sex change was something you could do overnight, rather than a long, drawn out process. There's a reason it's called transition, as I have since come to learn. But after the initial fascination wore off, I realized that I was genuinely attracted to some of these women.

I use the word women on purpose. The ones I'm attracted to look like women. Even with the dangly bits, I still think of them as women. But those dangly bits are part of the attraction. They're included in the fantasy. I don't imagine what the girls would be like without them. I want them the way they are.

Part of it, I suspect, is the whole notion of trying something forbidden. I was taught growing up that it was very bad to even consider having sex with someone who had the same equipment as you. Consciously, I now know there's nothing wrong with that, but there's a part of me that still lives in my childhood naivete, and gets excited about that sort of thing.

Maybe once I've tried it, and I do intend to try it, the novelty of the idea might wear off and I'll decide it was just a phase. But then again, maybe I'll discover I like it and want to do it more. The part of me that finds the idea of the forbidden exciting is also the part that finds the idea I might like it to be rather scary. But you only live once, so I'm not going to let the fear stop me.

It's a real shame that it took so much of my life to discover this about myself. I really wish I could have discovered this earlier. I feel like I've lost something. Maybe this is just my version of a mid-life crisis.

No steam; or is that fog?

Boy, I ran out of steam quick, didn't I? I only seem to have kept this up for a week before I let it lapse into disuse. At first, I didn't have anything I really wanted to say. But as time went on, I thought of stuff and then decided not to post for one reason or another. I can name any number of reasons. Some of it was just plain laziness. Other times, I couldn't decide how I wanted to say what I was thinking in the time I had available.

But over the last few days, I've been reluctant to post what's on my mind because people I know might read it, and I'm actually kind of scared of how they might react. Now, if you're one of the two people who I know have read anything I've written so far, you probably have the urge to tell me I have nothing to worry about. Maybe so, but allow me to let you in on a little secret: I'm not sure how I feel about it yet.

Until I can come to some sort of resolution with myself, what I'm thinking is just going to have to remain unsaid. But since I intended this blog to be a place where I can air what I'm thinking, it's going to go here at some point. I'm just not sure when.